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on a lighter note of everything that's been going on lately my mama had a dream recently that my papa tried to escape the rehab center but queen latifah was the security guard that saved him from leaving, my mama usually got a strong sense when she dreams about things so i told her that probably means that I'm going to meet Queen Latifah and record a song with her and papa will be healed, i feel in my heart that something positive is going to happen....

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  • 3 months later...

I've been pretty busy lately, which is why I haven't posted as much (though I check the board every day). Without going into great detail, I have a relationship that went bad awhile ago. After years of ups and downs, I had to back away from this person, thinking things would fix themselves. Well, this person, who is the person I was convinced I was supposed to marry, met someone else and started dating. I don't understand the reasoning by it but there was a quick engagement and today they are supposed to get married. If that's God's plan, then I can only count it as a loss and try to not to put a question mark where God has placed a period. While the interaction hadn't increased, many signs were saying that she was trying to get back in my life.

Needless to say, I'm completely numb. Part of me (who am I kidding, MOST OF ME) is still convinced that we really are meant to be and I have this hope that things don't go as planned today. It's crazy, maybe naive or immature, but that's how it is. I'm pretty darned bless and have a lot of great things going for me, but the idea of her making this permanent decision is killing me. I simply struggling to function my brain and enjoy anything in life. I guess I'm asking for someone else to raise up the whole matter in prayer. I KNOW things will be okay no matter how they go but the pain is unbareable and it's hard to find purpose. I appecitate it.

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Yeah I've been checking the board a lot lately too even when I ain't posting but there's been so much going on with me emotionally that I haven't really thought much about the state of hip hop as I used to since I've been trying to find myself through everything... It's nice that you made this post here AJ, I pray that you find peace no matter what happens with that marriage, i appreciated our chat on facebook today as well, it'd be nice if we get this board popping like back in the day and get more interaction here again 'cause being on this board has been therapy for me over the years and a piece of me has been missing since there hasn't been much buzz on fresh prince and hip hop to me like years ago... I made a post on my facebook page the other day about how I find out my papa doesn't have cancer in his lungs or his body so I figured I'd let the JJFP.com fam know too, he's still over at the rehab center getting his dementia treated, he's in good spirits still about everything so that's a positive thing... May 18th is my mama's birthday and the 20th anniversary that she's been married with my papa and it's a lil' hard on her knowing that papa ain't home to celebrate with us so I've been trying my hardest to keep her with positive spirits, been doing a lot of things with her and for her, I realise how strong she's been throughout this dark time for us, I wrote a special poem on Valentine's Day and recorded it recently called "Dear Mama 2012" that I'm going to share with her tomorrow... Another matter that's been weighing on me has been this friendship that I've had with this girl I knew for about 10 years now, I always wanted to take our relationship to the next level to be more than just friends but for some reason recently it seems like I get along better with her sister than her, it seems like she's been too busy for me but her sister seems to be more kind towards me and more conforting for me since my papa's been sick, it's like a sign from god that maybe I should reconsider who I should try to be with since this trying time has taught me a lot, like AJ mentioned to me today I should be patient before I make a move I regret, I'm gonna continue to feel out the situation and see where my heart leads me... Like I stated before I've been more driven than ever to write lyrics than ever before, I feel like god's been doing all these things in my life to build up my character, I feel a lot of material coming to me, I want to try to inspire as many people as possible....

Edited by bigted
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That's really tough AJ.. I always have the everything happens for a reason mentality about life but I can never explain the situations or why you were meant to meet that person.. I hope you find some inner peace about it all

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Yeah you're right Tim, things happen for a reason but there's somethings we can't explain, like i was mentioning to aj on facebook today these days i try not to think too far ahead at once and take life as it comes because if i worry too much about the big picture i'll be down in the dumps, time heals all wounds, it's up to her if she wants to be with you aj, she knows how you feel so there's no more you could do, bottomline is that you gotta respect her decision no matter what she ultimately decides if you truely love her, just take it one day at a time and see what happens, maybe one day there might be somebody else that comes along that you might get feelings for as well and you'll know how to handle that one better, we just never know what life's gonna bring us next, like the old saying goes one door closes another one opens... to keep it real there might be times where i feel that i might've wasted time trying to go out with this girl for 10 years but i try to look at it as a positive thing as something that i've learned from and i try to come to grip that if nothing ever comes from this relationship since it's looking more by the day that she don't have much feelings for me that i thought she'd have by now at least i could say that it made me stronger for other relationships in my future and for that reason i'm thankful and i love the fact that i met her...

Edited by bigted
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Hey Turntable how you been homie? Haven't seen you on the board in awhile, how's life been treating you?

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yesterday turned out to be one of the most inspiring days i've had in a long time, when i got to see my papa yesterday at the rehab center it felt like nothing was wrong with him mentally and he seemed to be back to his calm self, we had such a great conversation during our visit and i got so much advice from him about all the things that've been bothering me, it felt like god was talking to me through him i was so moved, and then last night after i got finished eating dinner i was able to have a great conversation with my friend and i was able to tell her all the things i've been wanting to say to her, it felt like a weight was lifted off of me, it feels like my prayers are being answered, never give up

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that's nice to hear things are going good for you turntable, yeah i can't wait until summer, working at the beach here in seaside is gonna take my mind off the dramas of my life, you know i've been going over my songs this morning and there was this one song i wrote a couple months back that i was originally planning on sharing with my friend around her birthday but then there was all this stuff that's been happening in between that i never got the chance to share it so i'm gonna perform for her when we talk next time or record it if my computer mic ever works again, lol, my computer is a trip sometimes, anyway this song gets out all the feelngs that i have for her over the years, i sat down one rainy afternoon and all these thoughts came to me reflecting over our 10 year friendship, ironically as i'm typing this message it's pouring outside, rain is such a spiritual thing, it's all heaven sent, god don't make mistakes, papa always tells me that as well, he's probably looking out the window at the rehab and thinking about me... anyway she's been more than a friend to me 'cause i noticed how most friends can't be trusted but i feel like i could tell her anything, anyway i'm about to go have a snack now and put some music on, probably fp's "the rain" is what i'll play first since it's fitting for now, have a good day on this rainy day, enjoy the song, peace:

all these ideas 3*2*12
a lot of the ideas in my head
that just keep on running
since i feel this is more than something
temporary when i see them keep coming
even my mama thinks i'm crazy sometimes
from the way i've been talking
but there's a reason for the constant thoughts on my mind
and this is bigger than just another rhyme
i'm trying to bring this passion to life
a long lost feeling has been revived
since you've been back into my life
and baby you know i'm feeling this vibe
this is more of the worry free type
that's right intellectual girl, i wanna make love to your mind
since you've got all the qualities that i like
so i gotta come with the poetry to blow your mind
my goal is for you to rank me as your #1 guy
i'm working my way up the depth charts towards your heart
when i feel your spirit i'm never alone
so i don't want this feeling to ever depart
in other words i want us to be never apart
this ain't about chasing after accolades and awards
since i feel with you around i have so much more
i ain't gonna waste time chasin' down the whores
to keep it a lil' more blunt i ain't just tryin' to hump
i wouldn't have tried so long if these feelings of mine weren't "so strong"
the moment you give my love a try you'll realise you can't go wrong

all of the ideas in my head
tell me we should be more than friends
it's getting harder to fight off these feelings
since your love is what i'm needing
baby i wanna put an end to this fronting
and get right to discussing
ways that we get to some loving
that'll last longer than just a moment
since i feel this love don't have a limit
baby you gotta know i ain't fronting
that's right baby i ain't fronting
with all these thoughts in my head
so let's be more than just friends
and let's get on to some loving

-as i bring on another verse
i know you're tired of being treated like dirt
as much as i am for sure since over the years we've both felt hurt
that's another reason why we should be together
a decade of friendship is what i've treasured
i think we've done the right thing to be friends before lovers
'cause those that've rushed have a lot of pain endured
i've read a lot of biographies from favorite entertainers and mcs
and i also have seen a lot of drama go on in my own family
even my papa admitted he made some mistakes growing up in haiti
with you i feel like i could open up to all of these realities
conversations with you is like my release therapy
i really respect that you're such a strong lady
the bond that me and you share is a rarity
if i try to be with someone else i know i ain't gonna be that happy
during the moments we lost contact there were times that were empty
and as i've been reflecting on things lately
my discussions with god put it in perspective more greatly
that you've been truly the one meant for me
but i guess it's up to god to reveal your feelings for me
'cause there's moments where we've both been busy
it seems like being caught in the middle of love and life has intervened
if you get on a computer you could google that song by JJFP to see what i mean
all the ways of "love and hip hop" has brought this passion out steadily
only time will be the deciding factor that whether we're meant to be
more than just being at terms that're friendly
and moving towards being lovers that're never ending
bottomline stands that i always wanna be around
when the love and peace is what's truly found
so i have to supply up the realest sound
i feel if we're able to link up being deep thinkers
we'll work the kinks out to inspire others
since we'll be known as an inspiration for how love should go
no matter what happens i'll always love you so
repeat chorus til end

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yeah it's a small world, it's like the lion king how we're all connected with the circle of life

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When it's a rainy day I sorta take time out to reflect back on my life and going through old posts in this thread makes me reminisce, Krystle's my friend that I was talking about then that I still wanna try to be with, funny how this 2006 post rings more timeless after that great conversation we had last night, I realised that I still love her through it all:
"Love could be friendship too, if you really want to be friends with her so badly that means there are feelings still there, really what I'd do though is give her space and see if you really still want to be there for her at all that means you do love her, that's how I realised that I love Krystle still, I tried to distant myself from her for awhile and I see if the feelings would still be there or not, of course I also gave her space 'cause she got a man, we never went out but the feelings I have for her are just stronger than anyone I was with before her and really I haven't been able to go out with anyone after I met her 'cause nobody else I met since her made me feel the way I felt about her and I basically missed talking to her and be around her, I never met a girl that made me feel the way I feel about her, she's such a great person I realised I need her in my life one way or another, now I was a lil' nervous if she's changed in between the last time we talked over 1 year and a half 'cause a lot of those I used to be cool with became jerks, really I feel bad that I waited that long, so my best suggestion would be a couple months at the most if you still want to be there for her let her know, I made a mistake, I should've only waited only a couple months to check up on Krystle, it was my damn ego tripping on me 'cause really a day never went by that I never wanted to talk to her but I get so used to rejection I thought she was gonna forget about me, she actually thought I forgot about her too 'cause of how other friends treated her lately too, really the lesson that's been learned is that you gotta be open minded and treat each person as an
individual,can't let how others treat you effect how you treat others, if my ego kept up I could've lost a great friend in my life that I really care a lot for, that Boyz II Men lyric says it all, "never let a broken heart take a chance for love away"

I thank god she's still a nice person and really we still click real well even after that time apart, right now we're there for each other as friends, that's up to her basically if she loves me more or she loves her man more, I ain't putting no pressure on her at all, but right now it don't feel right for me to be with anyone else, I made another mistake trying to force myself on other girls last summer but I found out they weren't that nice,
really you can't force love, you really gotta be yourself and if people respect you they respect you, I'm patient till the right time comes,it's gonna take a hell of a woman to make me forget about her that's for sure, Krystle got my heart, if she ever gave me a chance I'd make sure that I treat her right...
Now as far as thwe other girl, well really I'd just try to be friends with her and that's it since she got a man already, be patient and respectful, good luck with everything, you're in my thoughts dawg"-December 23, 2006, Big Ted

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This reflects thoughts of how I feel today as well, funny how these 2006 posts make more sense in 2012, Game and LL are 2 of the realest in hip hop, it takes a real person to admit that life ain't perfect but we're still gonna deal with it, "Doctor's Advocate" and "14 Shots To The Dome" are underrated classics:

""While some may think that the West Coast emcee's life has been set since dropping his multi-platinum debut The Documentary, Game set the record straight and revealed that he has been significantly affected by all of the drama that he has faced in recent months. "I was, six months ago, at a point of my life where I felt like I knew how it felt for a person to want to commit suicide. Life was just that bad," said the Compton rapper. "I felt like I didn't get the props that I deserved, and that started f*cking with me. And when you hear this album, you'll hear the conviction and the pain."
He also outlined "...sitting in a closet by himself with f*cking tears running down my face, trying to figure out, how did I go from being one of the best rappers in the world and the most loved to being one of the most hated?"-Game, now really I started contemplating whether it was even worth to even write songs anymore too 'cause I really started having doubts whether I'd ever make it but really it don't matter what others think, it only matters what I feel, as long as I write what I feel it's all good and I could help touch one soul and I'll be happy, really it felt good yesterday knowing that I finished in the top 33 in the poetry contest I entered out of thousands that entered, Game probably feels the same way too, he just put it out all out there on his new album, I feel his pain, it's good to know he's getting some credability for what he's doing

"I was standing in the shower naked-both inside and out. I let the water flow all over my body, The tears washed down my face along with the water. I hadn't really cried since I was a kid. But on this day, I made up for it. I was crying for the woman I treated like a dog, crying for the children I had abandoned, crying for my life, which I was just throwing away. And crying because I felt like I had been betrayed on every level. I had a broken heart..I was pouring my soul into my next album, 14 Shots To The Dome."- LL Cool J, really I was going around broken hearted too, I know I have to pick up the pieces like he did and just keep it moving, people might diss 14 Shots To The Dome but you really felt his pain on that disc, it's actually understandable to see he was going through a tough time when he was recording, songs like "Crossroads" and "All We Got Left Is A Beat" was really him putting out his rage, I'm gonna put the fuel into my song writing, lock myself up in a room and just write my ass off again is what I need to do the next time I feel down

Really those laid back chilled songs are cool but sometimes I get "So Sick" of love songs like Ne-Yo and I need something agressive like Ice Cube, DMX, early LL, and FP on "Lost and Found"-December 3, 2006, Big Ted

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you know, i just couldn't sleep too well last night because i was thinking about how hurt my mama feels about my papa not being home, the house has an empty space, people think its easy for us but it's not, it's been some of the worst time of life for us 'cause we had such a happy home for all those years, her birthday and wedding anniversary is in 2 days and she ain't happy, she was having a conversation on the home phone with her friend that she hasn't talked to since i worked with her at kmart 8 years ago at the same time me and krystle talked on my cell, more on me and krystle in a moment but their conversation didn't go over too well....her friend was asking her too many personal questions and made some cold remarks about how my mama should start dating other men since my papa will never come home again, and she even talked about me in a negtive way, in other words her friend doesn't seem that cool anymore....

-now as far as me and krystle, well i poured my heart to her again on the phone and i performed some of that song and she told me that she only wants to remain friends with me for now, well as i think about it emotionally with everything going on that might be best 'cause i don't know if being in a serious relationship is such a good thing right now since i'm under a lot of pressure at the moment, i'm still remaining hopeful though that through a better time that she'll change her mind and give me a chance, i'm gonna swallow my pride and remain her friend 'cause good friends are hard to find and i want her to be in my life...

lately i've been thinking a lot about how i'm gonna end up when i get older i see myself through papa, on the news they said the obama administrations working on finding a cure for alzheimers and dementia beacuse they'll be 10 million people with it in 2025, you could get it in your 40s, i turn 40 in 2025, i already had a nervous breakdown 5 years ago and i take medicine and with all this pressure lately i don't know how much longer i'll hold up in the long run, sometimes lately i've been thinking like 2Pac that I have a feeling that I'm not gonna live a long life and I've been making more songs than ever, it's just weird feeling I have...if it wasn't for how strong my mama and a few close people in my life i probably would think of doing something drastic, i understand these days better why people commit suicide, it's like that keith sweat, gerald levert and johhny gill song"love hurts" and nas said "life's a bitch"....well i hope that today is less stressful for me and my mama but i can't lie it's hard for us, but like papa said to us the other day he misses being home too but life goes on, there's time i think back to how i wish i could be a kid again 'cause growing up was just so much fun, if i had a time machine i would go back to when we first moved to seaside in '94 and went to the theatre and watched the lion king for the first time and i would stay in that moment forever, maybe tht's what heaven will be like, there's too much pressure being older, with the way life's going these days as well with all this violence and sickness at 27 i don't know if i'm coming or going....well i got it all off my head for now, maybe i'll turn these thoughts into a new song and then i'll go get breakfast and lie down for a while and maybe put the lion king dvd on to keep my sanity going, i really don't wanna have another nervous breakdown again....

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