Guest VAsFinestRenagade Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Hey girl i have noticed you for a while And i really like your style i really like you alot i would even take a shot we can listen to B.I.G or Pac Vandross or Marvin Gaye All day we can conversate but can i get jus one date nothin to big to complicate i'll make your temprature 102 cause it should be illegal to have so many feelings for you cause jus like LL in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call i jus want to show you some love thats all and i will catch you if you ever fall (Chorus)x2 I need you (Oh Girl!) I need you (Oh Girl!) I cant get you off my mind tonight (Verse 2) some people say live by the gun but die by the bullet but i will deflect it if they ever try to pull it i will be your bodygaurd i will stick up for you i can be hard I see almost every day of the week and when i see your beuty i cant speak that is all i have of it help if you want to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VAsFinestRenagade Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da Brakes Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 First off theres no need to bump topics! This isn't the B2K board! :wtf: Secondly I think the songs structure seems too simple. the lines are too short and the rhyme scheme is very simple. try using longer sentances to make it flow better. Of course this is hard do critique as I haven't heard the audio. Is one available Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VAsFinestRenagade Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 na Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3cookies Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 it was pretty simple, but it was really cute. I liked it, got the message.. real simple form.. peace, cookie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Willie Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 (edited) First off theres no need to bump topics! This isn't the B2K board! :wtf: :lolsign: Yeah I agree with Brakes, I got the concept but it was a little hard to follow, and it wasnt structured right. I'd have to hear it to judge it. Edited January 24, 2006 by Big Willie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thePrince Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Hmm yeah improve how its structured, and the rhyme scheme. Expand upon vocab a bit more, and try playing on words. Although, its one thing to write a song, its another to perform it. It would be easier for us to get a grasp of this if you posted an audio. Also we'd be able to get a better idea of your style etc. Aight man, peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3cookies Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 i read it as if it was a cute poem. I don't know how old he is, but u guys been around 4 a minute, and pretty much got yall's skillZ 2getha... i think he'll get there soon... this reminds me of when we all used to flow back and forth on that forum AJ and Wes made. I used to start gettin mad as i dont know what against the A.... I have no kind of flow like u guys do, but was tearin into that joka... i think it went from having fun, to me bustin him in the head , talkin bout peekin from under my bed... LMAO... was alot of fun tho... but, he'll get where yalll at .... :2thumbs: peace, cookie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luigie Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Not bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VAsFinestRenagade Posted January 25, 2006 Report Share Posted January 25, 2006 (edited) i am 14 and thanx Edited January 25, 2006 by VAsFinestRenagade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ash trey Posted January 25, 2006 Report Share Posted January 25, 2006 It was simple yet sweet! Sometimes there is no point in making subjects complex just for the sake of it. But at the same time when you are making a rap song you are supposed to brandish your talent to the fullest so my suggestion is write a little more and work a little on your rhyme scheme. Nice effort, welll done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VAsFinestRenagade Posted January 25, 2006 Report Share Posted January 25, 2006 thanx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VAsFinestRenagade Posted January 27, 2006 Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 any more tips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 31, 2006 Report Share Posted January 31, 2006 dont just put stuff in so that it rhymes think each line through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WesSyde Posted January 31, 2006 Report Share Posted January 31, 2006 make sure u remember the lines before u decide to rap it to this girl, cuz some of ur other works (see: lerkot videos) sounded like u couldn't remember ur lines or u were stuttering. make sure to practice alot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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