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So Your Love Has Left...


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[font="Arial"][color=blue] OK...Love doctor Cookie here! :afro:

I'm sure some of you have been hurt or dumped and would like to hook back up with that "someone special",...so I've taken the liberty in posting a little sumpthin for encouragement...kinda long,..but it can be helpful...and if you're reading this, you've probably already tried the begging, pleading, and emotional cries for mercy - and been soundly rejected... so 3cookies says: keep on reading...

[color=red][b]So your love has left, and you want him or her back.[/b].. [/color]

Important: This is assuming there's no third party waiting in the wings and you've heard the "I need space," "I think maybe we should date other people," or "I don't know if this is going to work out," or other "iffy" statements that imply they're questioning their feelings and/or feelings about being in a relationship... or you've had indications from other sources that your ex is not so happy with their decision.

Let's start with why begging and pleading for another chance doesn't work. Ok, it might work once or twice, but you know why? It's because you've administered a heavy dose of guilt, and chances are said ex still has feelings for you - and caved under the pressure. Now, if you've ever been guilted into doing something, you know you're not going into it wholeheartedly, in a sense it's emotional blackmail, albeit unintentional, and it leads to resentment just waiting to blossom in the first conflict that comes after. I know, you THINK you're just letting them know how much they mean to you. However, what's heard is "you're breaking my heart, you're hurting me incredibly, this person who loves you so!" Always, always, always try and think a step ahead - if you needed a break from a relationship for some reason and still had feelings for someone, how would this make you feel? Yep, approximately an inch tall and the lowest life form on the planet. Needless to say, this is NOT a good beginning to trying to rekindle a romantic relationship!

[color=red]Step one [/color]- ok, you've all heard it, seen it advised, and wondered how the heck it helps when you're thinking you need to be around to remind your love of all the good times you've shared and how much they mean to you. Yep, the dreaded "no contact" rule. (Note: if no contact isn't completely possible due to work/school situation or shared friends, skip on to step 2 :p) The reasoning that you need to remind your ex of your presence? First error in judgement. The hard fact is, you have to be noticeably "not there" for your ex to MISS you. The last thing someone who may rethink things wants is someone hounding their footsteps trying to influence them. The first thing they're gonna miss, assuming you guys have been together more than a few weeks, is that "person being around to share things with" that they've grown accustomed to. After you've been in a relationship for a while, think about it - when you've had a bad day at work, or done really great on a test, gotten a part in a play, a job promotion - the instinct is to pick up the phone and call that person to share it! That needs no reminder, and THAT is what you want working in your favor. You want habit and that emotional "sharing" bond working FOR you here, rather than giving your ex ammunition to stay strong against you.

Now, someone who is REALLY sure they're through - this may be the end of the road. There ARE no guarantees. You can't make someone love you if they truly don't. However, what you CAN do is to weigh the odds in your favor assuming there's some uncertainty, and tailor your actions to make them want to reconsider. If you think you're actually letting them talk themselves into it - you're absolutely right! But this way it's totally their decision - and the one person they can't hold out against forever is themselves!

Ok, now during this "no contact from you" phase - make SURE you stay BUSY. Bear in mind if/when your ex does get in touch with you - what kind of person do you want them to find at the other end of the phone, message, email, or "chance" meeting? A depressed, broken, morose husk of a person? Or that confident person they've had fun with and were attracted to? If you've seen problems in yourself that contributed to the breakup originally? Now is the time to get off your butt (mentally) and work on them! Use the time to make yourself someone you're happy with, someone you know is attractive, and yes, if you're up to it, even go out on some casual dates, or at the least, hang out with friends. A teasing grin is WAY more attractive than a morose frown or scowl - and how you think of yourself tends to show through any act you can put on.

Worst case, since it's not guaranteed - you'll be taking active steps to heal from the breakup and prepare yourself for a new relationship - and even best case - going BACK into a relationship, you want to do it as a whole, complete person. This no contact phase is likely to be one of the HARDEST things you ever have to do. If you feel yourself weakening - visit websites, call a friend, go for a walk, work out, ANYTHING. But try not to give in - or you'll have to start this step ALL OVER again. Now if knowing that isn't incentive, I dunno what is! :p

[color=red]Step two [/color]- initial or casual contact. This can take MANY forms - it could be a casual call about something seemingly insignificant, an email asking you if you want a CD back that he or she JUST noticed they had in their car, ANYTHING. Rule #1 - if it seems like a really silly reason to call, it probably is. In other words, take heart, it's probably an excuse to initiate contact without looking like a weak idiot who wants to talk to you. BIG DON'T - do NOT point this out!!! BIG DON'T #2 - do NOT start off by thinking this is an open door to go into an emotional speech about how you've missed them so and your life hasn't been complete without them! Keep it cool, casual, comfortable. Don't bring up the relationship unless they do first. Don't bring up dating other people. Don't make a POINT out of saying how grand things are going - it should all be in the attitude, not in obvious points. DO respond nicely to "I've missed talking to you," but more with "yeah, it's really good to hear from you." Not with the impression you've been waiting weeks to hear it (even though you have!). DO take opportunities for light, flirty, "cute" comments and compliments, without overdoing it. The goal here is to make these contacts enjoyable, give the impression you still think of this person as an attractive member of the opposite sex, and keep it light and playful enough to avoid any pressure or discomfort. You want them to keep coming back for more, right? So make sure they end on an "up" note - and be the one to say you gotta go - nicely, but in a way that implies "I still have a life." In other words "oh man, I hate to run, but I told John I'd be at his house 5 minutes ago - it was great talking to you, hope to cya later!" says about 4 things at once - you had a good time talking, enough to be running a little late, your life isn't on hold, and you'd welcome hearing from him or her again. If you managed to hit that "fun and mood/ego boosting note" in the conversation - you've just made it almost a certainty the contact isn't going to end here. People come back for more of what makes them feel good, and feel attractive and desireable without being overwhelmed. This is a tentative "feeling out the vibes and mood" stage - intense can push away, completely aloof can be discouraging. So encourage their contact - without putting yourself on the line here.

[color=red]Step three [/color]- meeting again, or less casual conversations, casual dates etc. The point where the ex starts openly questioning things about the breakup. Comments like "I've been thinking a lot lately about us," "Do you ever think about being with me?" "Have you started seeing anyone else yet?" Now, I know, this is what you've been waiting to hear! And impulse is to go with it and scream "oh thank GOD, I've been HOPING you'd consider going out with me again because I still love you as much as ever!" WHOA BUDDY!!! Apply the brakes here! Go with the flow - but let THEM lead the conversation and exploration here - you've got to find out what their "comfort zone" is as far as thinking about the relationship - and you're not gonna do that by taking control of the direction the conversation is headed in away from them! By all MEANS be encouraging,
"yeah, I've been thinking about it as well, I've missed being with you, penny for your thoughts?" Really listen to what's being said, encourage them to voice what they're thinking and feeling, respond honestly - but without being overwhelming about it. For example, they say "I dunno, I really miss some of what we had together," "yeah, me too, you think if we'd communicated better we could've worked it out?" "I wonder if it would be possible for us to figure out what went wrong in our relationship? Even if that means we don't get back together, that would help me tremendously in my next relationship." Remember, you NEED to know what the perceived problems were if you're going to build something better, don't get defensive, don't crawl on your knees begging forgiveness, make sure you get across you're going to really listen with an open mind, and offer suggestions and compromises you think might've helped. Blaming yourself at this point won't help, letting them blame themselves won't either. If they change the subject - even if you want to scream and bang your head into a wall because you still had questions - let them change it. Either they have enough to think on for the moment - or they've hit the end of their "comfort zone" before they feel pressured, so in either case, pressing the issue is going to work against you. Be patient, be encouraging that talking about it isn't going to make you defensive or lead to an argument, be encouraging you're interested in starting over again with them - without making it an issue you don't want to talk it out if they're not ready for that.

[color=red]Step four [/color]- getting back together. If you've worked all the way through stage three without jumping, you'll be in a good position to build a stronger, NEW, relationship with your ex if after all your conversations, you're sure that's still what you want. Of course there will still be bumps in the road - but hopefully by talking through the causes of one breakup, you'll be better at talking things out before they hit the wall again.

And always keep in mind - especially when it's them that's done the breaking up - they will be much more confident if they have to work a little to get you back - nobody wants a doormat they can take for granted, the things we invest some effort into, the things we work for, are the things we value the most.

[color=red]Authors' notes[/color]: This should not be taken as "how to make someone love you," because while you can encourage positive interaction with someone who already has strong feelings for you, you can't make someone HAVE those feelings. This is not intended to imply you can control that. What you can control are your actions, which will either encourage or discourage someone from contact and involvement with you when their feelings are already involved. There's no magical solution, and no perfect bible of "how to." If you find yourself stuck - always try and put yourself in the other person's shoes and think what you'd find most encouraging in THEIR position.

Best of luck to all of u lonely or broken hearts...and hope this helps anyone that needs it!

:angel: :angel: :angel:

3cookies[/color][/font] Edited by 3cookies
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[color=blue][font="Arial"]And this is true...

but if things weren't meant to be...wouldn't u rather them not return? In my case, even if i still loved sumone and cared 4 them deeply, I would look back and remind myself just why we are "X~factors", regardless of what my heart may be begging & crying for...

It's just not healthy to remain with sumone when theres a huge gap with compatability being a problem and your emotional needs just aren't being fulfilled...as physical needs usually aren't a factor when 2 ppl are deeply attracted 2 one another...

3cookies[/color][/font] Edited by 3cookies
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[quote=3cookies,Mar 13 2004, 02:12 AM][color=blue][font="Arial"]And this is true...

but if things weren't meant to be...wouldn't u rather them not return?

No, you missunderstand.

My comment was in reference to my girl that was killed 6 years back.

Given the choice, I wish she could return.
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