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*My Biggest Fear*


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My Biggest Fear

By Gary Anderson

As I stare at the picture in the frame, I exhale a sigh of frustration. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling. Pain, of course. Sadness, to be sure. Longing, yes, but it's more than that. As cliched as it sounds, I feel as if something has been ripped away from inside of me. As if she just grabbed my heart out of my chest, and just held it in front of me, forcing me to watch her squeeze it.

The whole time I dated her, I feared this would happen. Call it immature inadequacies, but it was there. Lingering in the back of my mind. I just knew that someday she might leave me for a guy. It wasn't something I was proud of, my fears, but it was something that I had thought of. I'd entertained thoughts of catching her and some stud.

Walking in on them, perhaps. Maybe finding evidence of him on her clothes. God, I sound like a stereotypical jealous "guy".

She drifted away from me after awhile. She never said it, but I was sure that it was because of my fears. Of my inability to realize that she wanted me, and not someone else. I wanted to believe her, but I always felt that she was out of my league to start with.

The occasional joke of her finding someone better and leaving me in the lurch, grew to infest my brain, and turned her away.

So now she's getting engaged to some real estate ass hole and I'm here alone. She's out wondering what kinda ring he's gonna surprise her with and here I am drunk and longing for the old days, and wondering what it was she wanted that I couldn't give her. Maybe she wanted the typical happy American life. The two kids in suburbia thing.

Maybe she wanted a solid commitment from someone who couldn't commit. And when she couldn't get that commitment, she ran to someone who would.

But I can't help but wonder if she realizes that out of all the things she could have done to hurt me. Out of all the things she could have done to f*ck me up, she picked the one thing that I've feared would happen to me since I was a little girl.

That I would be left for a man.

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