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*Frustration* (in 3 parts)


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I've posted this elsewhere, in three separate parts. I've found people tend to not read past the first or second because they feel it's fractured or not making sense as a single standalone piece. But it's not MEANT to. If you read all three, you'll see it's gradually leading somewhere, not just the obvious, but the ending piece reveals things that aren't clear in the first two.

This is a piece of non-fiction. I worked with and knew Carissa a long time ago. It seems a lot more recent than it is. So...please provide feedback on this, if you have the time.

Thank you.

============

FRUSTRATION Part 1 (For Carissa)

by Gary Anderson

I tell her that I love her.

I tell her that I want to help her. Get her out of The danger that surrounds her. But she says she's okay. She tells me not to worry, because she is loved. I tell her that the bruises say otherwise, but she pays no attention. She is deaf to my pleas and blind to the facts.

Please, I say, come with me. Let me help you in any way I can. Let's go away, I can do for you , what you deserve. No, she says. He loves me and that's that. Every day I see her enter her gradual downspin into her own personal hell.

I want to intervene, but she begs me not to. He has problems, and it's not his fault, she says. I tell her that there is no excuse, But she insists that it was the last time. Perhaps the pleasure of the past blinds her to the

pain of the present. Who knows what is the mentality of a woman allowing herself to be abused. However, Deep down, I sort of understand. Co-dependency is a motherf*cker, to be sure.

I want to help her. I want to take her away and make sure she will be safe forever. I want to beat the hell out of him, for making her feel she can't live without him. Making her confused enough to think that black and blue equals love.

However I am sort of trapped in a bubble of indecision. I want to help her, but I know that at the epicenter of the situation, it is not my fight. I am told I should just walk away and forget her. But I can't. Because I know, that one day in the very near future, I'll open the paper, to her obituary. Just another statistic.

I can't force her to leave, or she'll just go running back when her desire for "love" returns. I know that she has to learn on her own, but it drives me insane.

It is the hardest thing in the world to sit by and watch someone deteriorate in front of me. I decide that the only thing I can do is close my eyes, and pray she comes to her senses.

Before it's too late.

FRUSTRATION (PART II) (Written one year later)

Are some things beyond your control? Are some things so f*cked up that no matter How true your intentions are, no matter how intense Your love is, it is beyond your reach?

I love her, and have told her so. But she has a past That has built a wall between us that I try but can't leap. Past pain is preventing me from

Showing her love now. Whenever I get close to her, and want to show her that

I am not like those in her past, she balks And backs away, adding layers on top of the wall Already there.

My emotions are kicking into overdrive, as frustration Sets in, and I realize that there is nothing I can do. I want to show her how much I love her.

How different it can be, when love is the key Factor in the relationship. How true love doesn't Hurt. At least not in the way that she has been hurt.

But how can I do this, when there is such a gap Between us? I can't begin to comprehend the pain and Suffering she has gone through. The amazing thing is That she has survived it all. I wonder if I could Survive what she's experienced?

So what do I do? Ignore the feelings I have for her, And hope she someday is able to deal with a normal Relationship again? I can't imagine waiting for That. I want her now, I want to help her so much. Is It possible to care too much? Am I chasing a lost Cause? A pipe dream, so to speak?

Is it worth trying to help her, knowing that it could Possibly hurt her even more? That's something I would Like to avoid at all costs. I cry when I realize that She is out of my reach. I cry when I realize what She's been through, and the fact that some ass hole has pushed away the one person I care about more than Anything else without even knowing it.

FRUSTRATION (PART III) For Carissa (written seven months after the second piece)

As I stare down at the headstone in front of me, emotions wash over me. The anger is gone. The rage is gone. All replaced with sadness and confusion. I had prepared a list of things I wanted to say to you, but they all have vanished out of my head. I am left not sure what to say. Not sure how I could ever properly express what I am feeling right now.

I’m still angry at him for doing this. I don’t think I’ll ever not be angry at him. The rage still bubbles just beneath the surface, and I only wish I had gotten to him before the police. Only for a few minutes. So I could do something with the angry feelings that I have. So I could have an outlet for my rage. Punching bags only do so much, you know.

I’m angry at myself, for not doing something sooner. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, I suppose, but I keep telling myself that I could have done something. I could have rescued you from the situation, if only I had been more persistent. Stayed on you, until you were made to understand.

But most of all I’m angry at you.

"How could you stay with him?" I scream out in the darkness that surrounds me. There is no one to answer. I am accompanied only by old bones settling, dry leaves rustling, and memories that remain floating above the graves.

"Why wouldn’t you listen to me? I could have helped you! Why?" I cry, as I drop to my knees in front of your headstone. I lean forward and wrap my arms around the marble, wishing I could somehow hold you again. To bring you closer to me and assure you that it would be okay. But I can’t.

I sit beside your grave for several hours, trying to come to grip with everything that has happened. How many years has it been since you were truly happy? Since we were both truly happy. What did I do that drove you away and into the arms of this guy? This abuser? This killer?

I always hid the truth, the fact that it was I that had driven you away and into his arms. I always liked to think that it wasn’t me. That we just mutually went our separate ways, and that he was just there to pick you up when you were down.

This is why I blame myself. Why I cry at night, why I can’t forgive myself.

I wipe my tears away, as I stand up. I kneel back down to lay a dozen roses on your grave, and with a cloth, I wipe away the dust that has gathered on the face of your headstone. Then with Q-tips I run them along the inscriptions gathering the dust that had settled inside the letters. Then, once again, run the cloth over the face.

I look down at your final resting place for a few moments more, and then turn, walking out of the cemetery.

Rest easy, my sweet Carissa. No one will ever hurt you again.

R.I.P.

CARISSA VEGA

2/12/75 - 11/21/01

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yeah, it's definitely a frustrating feeling, thus the title.

I have always felt the third part was the best of the three. Maybe it was because the first two were written with a sense of confusion and irritation and, yes, frustration, whereas the third one had a sense of ...I don't know...finality? I kinda knew exactly what I wanted to write and did so.

These, like the majority of my writings, are done in one take, so to speak. I write for however long it flows and then I don't change it. That's because this is a snapshot of my mindset at the time. I obviously fix any spelling/grammatical errors that I notice, but I don't restructure sentences to make them tighter or anything like that.

I choose to leave my writings as they are, unless I go to publish them, and then there's some editing, obviously.

Thanks for the words.

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that was great man. i just want to let you know that i've liked all of your writings. the problem is i dont have the time to read them all, so i dont. but your stories, whether true or not, they inspire thinking. things like this are definitely sad. this reminds me of a song called You Never Know, by Immortal Technique. i've uploaded the 7 minute song, you should listen, the story made me want to cry when i first heard it, on top of that the story is motivating and it shows good writing skills. i recommend everybody that likes a good story and concious hip hop check this song out.

http://rapidshare.de/files/19098459/17-imm...ae-cms.mp3.html

note: if you want to get to the sad part of the story, seek to about 3.5 minutes through the song

Edited by WesSyde
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