TragicallyInept

yeah, it's definitely a frustrating feeling, thus the title. I have always felt the third part was the best of the three. Maybe it was because the first two were written with a sense of confusion and irritation and, yes, frustration, whereas the third one had a sense of ...I don't know...finality? I kinda knew exactly what I wanted to write and did so. These, like the majority of my writings, are done in one take, so to speak. I write for however long it flows and then I don't change it. That's because this is a snapshot of my mindset at the time. I obviously fix any spelling/grammatical errors that I notice, but I don't restructure sentences to make them tighter or anything like that. I choose to leave my writings as they are, unless I go to publish them, and then there's some editing, obviously. Thanks for the words.

thank you...anxiously anticipating this.

...............

I've posted this elsewhere, in three separate parts. I've found people tend to not read past the first or second because they feel it's fractured or not making sense as a single standalone piece. But it's not MEANT to. If you read all three, you'll see it's gradually leading somewhere, not just the obvious, but the ending piece reveals things that aren't clear in the first two. This is a piece of non-fiction. I worked with and knew Carissa a long time ago. It seems a lot more recent than it is. So...please provide feedback on this, if you have the time. Thank you. ============ FRUSTRATION Part 1 (For Carissa) by Gary Anderson I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I want to help her. Get her out of The danger that surrounds her. But she says she's okay. She tells me not to worry, because she is loved. I tell her that the bruises say otherwise, but she pays no attention. She is deaf to my pleas and blind to the facts. Please, I say, come with me. Let me help you in any way I can. Let's go away, I can do for you , what you deserve. No, she says. He loves me and that's that. Every day I see her enter her gradual downspin into her own personal hell. I want to intervene, but she begs me not to. He has problems, and it's not his fault, she says. I tell her that there is no excuse, But she insists that it was the last time. Perhaps the pleasure of the past blinds her to the pain of the present. Who knows what is the mentality of a woman allowing herself to be abused. However, Deep down, I sort of understand. Co-dependency is a motherf*cker, to be sure. I want to help her. I want to take her away and make sure she will be safe forever. I want to beat the hell out of him, for making her feel she can't live without him. Making her confused enough to think that black and blue equals love. However I am sort of trapped in a bubble of indecision. I want to help her, but I know that at the epicenter of the situation, it is not my fight. I am told I should just walk away and forget her. But I can't. Because I know, that one day in the very near future, I'll open the paper, to her obituary. Just another statistic. I can't force her to leave, or she'll just go running back when her desire for "love" returns. I know that she has to learn on her own, but it drives me insane. It is the hardest thing in the world to sit by and watch someone deteriorate in front of me. I decide that the only thing I can do is close my eyes, and pray she comes to her senses. Before it's too late. FRUSTRATION (PART II) (Written one year later) Are some things beyond your control? Are some things so f*cked up that no matter How true your intentions are, no matter how intense Your love is, it is beyond your reach? I love her, and have told her so. But she has a past That has built a wall between us that I try but can't leap. Past pain is preventing me from Showing her love now. Whenever I get close to her, and want to show her that I am not like those in her past, she balks And backs away, adding layers on top of the wall Already there. My emotions are kicking into overdrive, as frustration Sets in, and I realize that there is nothing I can do. I want to show her how much I love her. How different it can be, when love is the key Factor in the relationship. How true love doesn't Hurt. At least not in the way that she has been hurt. But how can I do this, when there is such a gap Between us? I can't begin to comprehend the pain and Suffering she has gone through. The amazing thing is That she has survived it all. I wonder if I could Survive what she's experienced? So what do I do? Ignore the feelings I have for her, And hope she someday is able to deal with a normal Relationship again? I can't imagine waiting for That. I want her now, I want to help her so much. Is It possible to care too much? Am I chasing a lost Cause? A pipe dream, so to speak? Is it worth trying to help her, knowing that it could Possibly hurt her even more? That's something I would Like to avoid at all costs. I cry when I realize that She is out of my reach. I cry when I realize what She's been through, and the fact that some ass hole has pushed away the one person I care about more than Anything else without even knowing it. FRUSTRATION (PART III) For Carissa (written seven months after the second piece) As I stare down at the headstone in front of me, emotions wash over me. The anger is gone. The rage is gone. All replaced with sadness and confusion. I had prepared a list of things I wanted to say to you, but they all have vanished out of my head. I am left not sure what to say. Not sure how I could ever properly express what I am feeling right now. I’m still angry at him for doing this. I don’t think I’ll ever not be angry at him. The rage still bubbles just beneath the surface, and I only wish I had gotten to him before the police. Only for a few minutes. So I could do something with the angry feelings that I have. So I could have an outlet for my rage. Punching bags only do so much, you know. I’m angry at myself, for not doing something sooner. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, I suppose, but I keep telling myself that I could have done something. I could have rescued you from the situation, if only I had been more persistent. Stayed on you, until you were made to understand. But most of all I’m angry at you. "How could you stay with him?" I scream out in the darkness that surrounds me. There is no one to answer. I am accompanied only by old bones settling, dry leaves rustling, and memories that remain floating above the graves. "Why wouldn’t you listen to me? I could have helped you! Why?" I cry, as I drop to my knees in front of your headstone. I lean forward and wrap my arms around the marble, wishing I could somehow hold you again. To bring you closer to me and assure you that it would be okay. But I can’t. I sit beside your grave for several hours, trying to come to grip with everything that has happened. How many years has it been since you were truly happy? Since we were both truly happy. What did I do that drove you away and into the arms of this guy? This abuser? This killer? I always hid the truth, the fact that it was I that had driven you away and into his arms. I always liked to think that it wasn’t me. That we just mutually went our separate ways, and that he was just there to pick you up when you were down. This is why I blame myself. Why I cry at night, why I can’t forgive myself. I wipe my tears away, as I stand up. I kneel back down to lay a dozen roses on your grave, and with a cloth, I wipe away the dust that has gathered on the face of your headstone. Then with Q-tips I run them along the inscriptions gathering the dust that had settled inside the letters. Then, once again, run the cloth over the face. I look down at your final resting place for a few moments more, and then turn, walking out of the cemetery. Rest easy, my sweet Carissa. No one will ever hurt you again. R.I.P. CARISSA VEGA 2/12/75 - 11/21/01

forgot, I also have "Sports Night" Complete Series

can we get a reup of the BET skits of Will & the family?

Well the awards are usually at the end of June so you probably won't here anything til at least next month... But it was the highest rated BET show ever, I wonder who they'll pick if they don't host though Does anyone have the video clips from the show? Just the skits that Will and his family were doing? I caught a couple when it aired and thought it was funny.

anybody?

the file is dead though...not downloaded in over 30 days...can I get a reup?

HA that was great!

how dare they take Jaz' name?!!? Jaz got thrown out of a Bel Air mansion back in the 80's/90's! Give him some respect! lol

Jazzy's the man

no doubt.

hey, it's the least I can do...help people out, ya know?

besides "eff-POH-BA" what do you guys have as far as DVD BOX SETS of TV SHOWS/MOVIES Mine are as follows: 24 Season 1 24 Season 2 24 Season 3 24 Season 4 Arrested Development Season 1 Arrested Development Season 2 Lost Season 1 Def Poetry Jam Season 1 Def Poetry Jam Season 2 Ali G Show Season 1 Ali G Show Season 2 Sledge Hammer Season 1 Dream On "First Two Seasons" Sleeper Cell Season 1 (just bought today) Alien Quadrilogy (9 discs - 4 movies) Ultimate Matrix Set ((10 discs - 3 movies + animatrix + "Revisited" discs for each movie + bonus discs) Nowhere Man (Complete Series) Mr. Bean (Volume 1, 2 & 3) Voyagers! (Not official, as it hasn't been released...got it online from a guy) Werewolf! (1987 horror show on Fox) (Not official, as it hasn't been released...got it online from a guy) The Godfather Set (5 discs) The 4400 Season 1 The Grid Season 1

I don't have the set so I can't watch them...I remember the most emotional ones that I really thought I was gonna tear up at (and probably did at that age) was the one where Will was trying to get Boyz II Men to show up, and then the one that REALLY got me was the one where Carlton ingested the speed pills that Will had in his locker that some punk kid gave to him to study. And then Carlton almost died, but he wouldn't rat on Will. That was good.

ARGH I'm getting the red X of doom!!!! FIX IT PLEASE!!!

the teacher...yeah, he was funny!

um...........*head explodes*

I think the big deal is that people mistake "Entertaining movie" with "GREAT MOVIE" There are lots of movies that I think are entertaining (even some Will movies) but don't think they are GREAT movies by any stretch of the imagination. But they're fun movies to watch and I enjoy it every second I watch them. So to ME they're good movies, but I realize that in the grand scheme of things they aren't very good. They're just fun.

don't think you can compare the two (Jackson and Bow Wow) as far as not having a childhood. It's not like Bow Wow has to constantly work to support his family and can't have a life. Bow Wow doesn't have to do anything. His father's RICH BIATCH and so is he. Jackson was being looked at as the leader of the Jackson 5 and the money source/meal ticket for his family. So he was denied a childhood while he had to always be touring and not doing what he would prefer to do.

I'm a fan of the conscious rappers like Mos Def, Talib Kweli, The Roots, Common, that egotistical b@stard Kanye, but as far as more advertised and promoted rappers I like Fabolous and The Lox...BIG Jadakiss fan here.

I LOVE that.....I've seen it like ten times in the past week....

thanks my man!

thank you! Hopefully people will read the ones that I put up that nobody has read yet....lol...wish wish wish